What Am I Doing?

Lately I've been feeling really down. Maybe its because I haven't been taking my pills. Maybe its because I have nothing to do. Maybe its because of everything that's been happening. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I hate feeling so moody. I hate being angry at everything for no reason. I hate being disappointed in myself.

I play it cool like I don't need to hang out with a lot of people, but maybe its starting to actually make me feel empty. I don't have energy or motivation to do much. All I've been doing since I've come back to my mom's is sit around and wait. This job interview is bothering me. I just wish they would either hire me already. Or at least say they don't need me right now. I've gotten my hopes up and nothing has happened all week. They never call me back, but they could just be really busy. Which I understand, but if I was the best candidate they interviewed, why am I still sitting here and not there working?

I feel like there is more I could be doing, but there's nothing I can think of that hasn't already been done. That's why I liked living at my aunt and uncle's. Them being older and lazier gave me motivation. There was so much more to clean and I had my own room. I didn't have to live out of a backpack or sleep on a couch or watch whatever someone else wants to watch on television. The last two weeks I was living there I would take one day to clean little parts of my room. Going through more of my old papers and keeping only the minimum. I even cut down on smoking cigarettes to 2-4 a day. When I'm at my mom's I feel the need to smoke more often, which is not good at all. Now I'm stuck at my mom's waiting on a call that probably won't happen with all of my stuff still at my aunt and uncle's.

With all the drama that happened, both my aunt and uncle won't talk to me. I haven't been over there in two weeks. I only have about 3 or 4 sets of clothes with me and my purse. Everything else is over there. I don't even have my book to read. This is such a depressing time for me. I wish time would go faster and I could be working and living in my own apartment with my cousin.

Yesterday and today I've been feeling like I either need to cry or break something. Or even just talk to someone. I tried calling my friend Kyle last nite and still no answer. But I had a dream we hung out. Not helping that when I watch television and only catch a glimpse of whats playing. Mostly violence, suicide, or sorrow.

                                                     Life Simply Sucks Right Now.


Can't even find my birthday exciting to look forward to. I don't believe I have enough friends to have a party. I wouldn't have a place to have it. I can't even look forward to smoking on my birthday. Nothing. Just emptiness.